Saturday, 27 October 2012

For Now.

No, it's happening. I tried refraining. But I guess I was held back till only trying. No attempt whatsoever helped. And I don't think it will. Maybe ten years down the line when I'm sitting up late at night, working and watching some stupid architect I would have married sleeping, maybe then I'll think of you. And still wonder what would my life have been if it had you, like I still do. Maybe I will, for the rest of my life. I'm standing at crossroads where you're nowhere to be seen. And might I say, I don't like that fact. But I'll do with myself, for now. Just know. You're loved. Maybe always will. You're the best I could have got, perhaps. And perhaps I'm not worth you. I'm nothing special, I'm sure of that. ON a dark night, set out walking on the road which is purely illuminated by the moon; THAT is how beautiful my life feels when you're in it. If at all ever, you don't feel lonely even when you'll have no one by your side, your heart skips a beat with no reason, remember it was me.  

The song's pretty old, and although I hate Britney Spears, I fell in love with this song when I heard it back then. 


Monday, 22 October 2012

Gone Again

I want to screech. Shout out loud so that somebody notices the anguish, if not the screams at all? That pungent feeling when you wish to abscond and run. But then after running a mile away from everything around you, you realize you're just about running the same place. Because there's no where else to go. Every turn you take, draws you to similar facets with different knowledge of screwing you over and over. You think, wait and wish for the same light you found once before. The same light which lit you when yours ran out. I do see a light. Yes. It's not standing with others surrounding me. It came from above somewhere. I try going close, it keeps running away. Maybe it's scared that if once again he illuminates me, he'll never find his own again. But I assure him that's not what I want. I'm happy enough to see him lit, to see him having found his light again. He argues; he says he's here to share the light. There's a problem. We can't share. He's unable to give some to me. He forces it, even. But then, I guess I was lacking emollient, and I could never light up again. I try sending him away. I tell him, he'll find someone to share his light with. He insists on staying; he urges he'll light the path for me if he's lit at least. But I convince him otherwise. I see him going. Amalgamating into the crowd, but still so clear. Still so different. He's gone. Again. But I guess he's better off without me. Without having to share his light. Here I'm again, surrounded by the colours. The colours I don't need. Because my white light, my white knight has left. And I'll be better off in darkness, till the sun emerges. For now.

Monday, 15 October 2012

Sometimes......

I've paid Karma enough, so not anymore. I'd begin to start believing in love again because of you. I'm not implementing that you weren't different. You are. You every bit are. If I had a nickel for every guy as amazing as you, I'd only have five cents. You don't have to believe me if you don't want to. Nobody does, so it's not a requite for you either. The problem is that there are too many memories. And each memory evokes another memory of you. And you love soon, and you leave sooner. It was ironic how I judged you and ended up liking you anyway. And it took a little. Only a little. Remember how you said that we were customized for each other? Yeah, that. I don't believe that we were. You just turned out to be somebody who tried relating each countenance of me to some relative facet of yours. And boy, were you awesome at doing it! I told you your voice played havoc to my mind. It really did. That soft lush ring. That was half the reason I did everything you told me to. But I guess you already know that. And sometimes, you're the villain to your own love story. It's okay if you don't reciprocate. If you don't love. But your indifference is the one weapon in whose path I don't want to come. There isn't ever a correct way in love. It just is. What you feel like doing. The silliness. The magnanimity. When it feels correct.

I don't know if you're the one or not. I don't know if the concept works. For now this feels right. So you're the right one. For now. So just let me motherfucking love you! 

Man, do I miss this space like hell or what?! My 50th post companeros! Just, by the way. =D

See you around. 
My classmates, by the way! And Hauz Khas Fort, of course! =)
Tener cuidado! :*

Sunday, 7 October 2012

Is It? Really?

Hola! =)
It wasn't much long ago when one of my DEAREST chaddi-buddy called me after, what I may perfectly define, ages! I love that guy with all my heart. That one main reason I do is because he's apparently the ONLY guy in my life who does not treat me like a girl. Everything's always clear, like man-to-man. And he jinxed it yesterday. Yes, he did. And I felt like going to his place, and breaking his mom's favourite multiple vases on his head. That man, that bloody man whom I USED to [yes, bitch, I hate you now. Know that if you're reading this!] adore so much, was asking ME out of EVERYONE, how to tackle his girl's growing possessive obsession with him (Yes, you read it right!). And I was there, staring at my laptop screen in utter bafflement, thinking what the hell is wrong with this guy! BUT, being the "nice" person that I'm [alright, don't laugh!], I still went ahead and asked him what the matter was instead of disconnecting [you should consider this a sign, I'll murder the next time.]!

Whatever he asked wasn't as much of a shocking question which I hadn't been asked before. Yet it seemed so innocent coming from him, like that poor guy was deliberately pushed into the cauldron labelled love and affection, but what was actually cooking inside was understood only the people who were urged into it. Although he's been dating this wonderful girl, whom I equally dot upon, for two years now, he believes that she's yet to learn to trust him. I tried assuring him that that might not be what the case would be. She might as well be missing you, or feeling a bit lonely, or might have watched a romantic flick, or just PMSing at the most. And then he dropped the bombshell over me. He shared a couple of things or reasons I'd say, of their  recent feuds. I know listening to one side of the story doesn't justify me judging anyone, but I was stunned. And all he asked was whether was that SUPPOSED to be love?

No. No, it wasn't. I told him that. Because you can't love someone if you're busy judging them. Love isn't about the shit when you let a person go and see if they return......blah blah blah. KISS MY ASS, OKAY? You love that person, you climb their ears and YOU SHOUT AT THE FUCKING TOP OF YOUR VOICE AND TELL THEM THEY GOT NO AUTHORITY TO LEAVE AND MESS YOU UP! *Sigh*
But knowing him and seeing his face, I knew he wasn't convinced. And the counselling, hence, prolonged. He told me maybe he'd made a mistake two years back by impulsively jumping into a relationship when he'd first met her without giving themselves a chance to know each other first. BULLSHIT, is what I replied. 
Because it is what you make it, you know? No matter how perfect, you're bound to mess up everything. That's a universal truth. BUT. The good part is that it's up to you to decide how and what you mess up. Failing once isn't a testament that you're going to fail each time. Just try believing in yourself, because if you don't, who will, babe? What's the point of expecting to be perfect? Trust me, you'll hate her the day she matches your definition of perfect. And then you'll both climb the same coaster of exploring and changing and keep rolling in the same place till you're both sick to your stomach and end up blaming each other for having chosen this ride at all. 

I asked him what he'd ever do if she goes away. And he replied a mild "Nothing. She's all I do in a day." My point, exactly, I told him [although my mind went awwwww]. Because I told him that he'd never find a half who makes him a whole, and that goes for everything. From the view of a bypassing spectator, I can tell you that they both ARE made for  each other. Meant-to-be jaisi koi cheez nahi hoti! It's just you. You two. Two pieces of the same puzzle. Just two people who have to work together to stay together. I tried explaining him how rapid a woman's imagination can be; it can go places within a fraction of a second. The one you love and the one who loves you are mostly never the same. And I scolded him, that he should be feeling pretty lucky that for they're pretty much the same. He said he loved her so much it hurt. And I could just assure him, if he loved until the limit of hurting, I'm sure there'll only be love existing then. Simple, unadulterated, pristine, painless love. And pretty personally, I like them both together. I never could and can't ever imagine them apart. Seeing them apart would be like looking at love without a kiss. And it is OKAY, if you end up hurt. The heart was made to be broken. Because love doesn't begin or end the way we envision it; it isn't a story, love is a growing up. 
And I know they both love each other. Dearly. They're both the best part of each other. I can see it even in the way they take each other's name. The uncertainty was the very essence of them! 
And maybe for once I understood why he'd called me. Being in love, horrible, isn't it? You just open your chest and heart to someone, and you let them get inside and mess you up. And to think that people who've been together too long never face problems! 

Anyhow, companeros!
See you around.
Tener cuidado. :*